yeah 72 but i am still now running on the jubilant effervescence of the whole thing plus I just got home from dinner and a movie with Petar.
I am beat and in quite a bit of pain but it is all worth it.
the movie sucked (Rendition)
but the company was great and he agreed to help me get started on the flooring renovations come Thursday.
he was wonderful, so kind, polite, happy, intellectual a perfect gentleman all night but I could see that look in his eyes especially after a coupla beers so it wasn't like he was so gentlemanly I wanted to be sick
if i wasn't at my dads I don't think I would be alone right now.
he actually called this morning he was around the corner so we went and got a coffee then went to this little guitar store around the corner and he played a really nice guitar that he may buy when he has the disposable income.
he is an amazing player even sings well he played a few things Beatles, Johnny cash and cat Stevens Moon-shadow right through it was beautiful to just listen.
well now I am working backwards so i will keep going until we are back at Sat. night after Petar dropped me off at Leanne's.
The dude from Rona came to the condo and did the exact measuring and took the time to go through all the details. he seems good, I like him and don't feel so bad that i wont have more of a part in the installation. he even took me step by step through the right way to pull up the carpet.
he didn't have to he was honest and i just have a good feeling about him a vibe if you will.
before that dad and I had a great breakfast at Archie's and i regaled him with tales of my adventures he had picked me up from Leanne's

short and sweet I am exhausted

my time with the kids was wonderful Brayden said he loved me out of no where and that he would so forever 3 times while i was there
Tyler has grown so much and is so smart I think he may have surpassed Brayden in the language and speech department

he is still a wimpy mommas boy, i say that with all the love and consideration in the world they are very commendable attributes in one so young and smart

Brook Olivia is one big baby
but beautiful none the less
I would swear that she weighs more then Brayden and I picked them both up

I did fall into some old pattern stuff I bought bread and milk for them lots of candy for the boys and was even tempted to clean the kitchen but I banked that successfully
I am so happy for them all they seem happy
a lot happier then they were last year and the friendly camaraderie that was not overshadowed by debt or bad feelings was really pleasant although Leanne did say she would flip me 20$ out of her child tax and never did and I spent 30-40 on them that I would not have spent other wise
but it was great and the bar was even better but I am too tired to do it now so when get the pics on this computer I will tell the whole story it was a pretty unforgettable night on cloud Sambuca at tiger Jacks for halllowe'en
'nite 'nite

oh oh grateful
the moon in the sky
a real date
no sexual tension
butterflies in my tummy (nerves)
the people in my life who strive to do better for themselves and others
random acts of kindness
movie popcorn
black dominatrix boots

Tags: date, leanne's, movie
Current Location: daddy's
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: beatles

wow I have so very very much to tell oh my oh my I know I am going to either fall asleep typing or leave important stuff out
and its twice as hard because I am wearing fake nails that i put on yesterday to match my hallowe'en outfit and lap top keyboards are truly unaccommodating.
the last 48-72 hours have to be the best few days of my life or pretty damn close I cant remember ever being this genuinely happy especially since there are still a few dark clouds puffing around my head.
I am really really tired so your gonna get the cliff notes version which is a joke because I am guaranteed to blather on even then.
at least i can blame the typos on the nails
I have pics too but no space on my lap top right now have to clean house and burn everything but i will post them.
I looked smokin' hot, sexy, and intelligent even. but that was last night I have to go back a little further to start the story.

once upon a midnight dreary... no no ha well it was dreary but it was daytime and all I was pondering was the fact that I wanted desperately to blow my friend Leanne's mind (the last time she saw me was over a year ago).
shes got 3 amazingly beautiful children all under 5 and she looks like a million bucks skinny big chested and gorgeous the boobs will go away when she stops breast feeding but for now they are very nice indeed.
I wanted to look really good for out foray out into the world of tiger jacks bar
I went to the galleria to buy a dress.
told them what I wanted, and fell in love with this black, almost gown totally backless and flowey just beautiful
that with a short cut silk bizness jacket I was a knock out
I needed to get shoes though because it was too long. I got boots
i love the boots
love em so much you would not believe it
I would wear them even around the house, their sexy comfortable and even better then orthotics (support my legs right in the right spot)
but any way a million and one things could have changed my course that day and I never would have been walking by right at the right time and place (it was the same for him)
I was loaded down with bags and struggling when I passed a pan handler, he panned ?I said sorry don't have it (true) and he scoffed
I turned around to say something or try to maybe find some money to give him( i could see 'bitch' written all over his face) when he said 'those look heavy' (they were) and Bing! light bulb..
I offered to pay him to help me carry them home, it was a fair walk
I had my cane with me too the rain was being pesky
so he got up to help me and the guy that was standing there talking to him, a good friend of his, offered to help too. I said I could not afford more $ but he said 'no worries I don't need it and that is not why I am offering'
so we walked and talked and walked and talked..really nice conversation too, intellectual, well from Petar anyway (not the pan handler, his friend)
so I got a sense of them and invited them up for coffee (it was too early for drinks)
oh boy I am falling asleep on the keys
i will write more later I am soo tired
just a quick finish off of the first best day of my new life...
Scott left (after it was no longer too early for drinks0
I invited Petar to stay because I was having a really good philosophical debate with him.
when we noticed the time many many hours later it was pissing rain freezing cold and dark out so I proffered the couch
but we ended up just talking right through the night
he was a perfect gentleman but I know the thought crossed both our minds on more then one occasion
the talk was so easy, so fluid but at times both of us would get right into the debate
passionately
he has a lot of passion for a lot of things from being a successful buisness owner to opening a learning facility to being a member (traced back) of the royal family in Y-i cant spell it. cant even venture a guess very well, but I will try phonetically - you-co-slavia
anyway he made quite the impression on me I hope to hear from him soon or see him again
*wink- He leant me his favorite backpack so he will have to come and get it at some point
i am hoping to maybe convince him to give me a hand starting the renovations it would be so fun to yank up carpet and discuss the reality of Jesus or the tactics of Hitler
we discussed both and there is so much more
*eyes closing must go but so much to tell... ohhhh
nite nite hope to not forget important details when its not so fresh

Tags: petar
Current Location: dads
Current Mood: ecstatic
Current Music: jazz/rock

I really do have a problem with punctuation. I just seem to yammer on and on without ever putting in a period or comma or what ever is needed. I will have to work on that.
I posted in a community (acupuncture) and I got the response of 'holy, run on sentence'.

I really do love this time of day. its so peaceful and holds so many possibilities

today is a new day, A new beginning and i AM happy for it

the last few days, one year ago would have sent me straight to the ICU at the hospital but I think I am handling it really well and being strong, motivated and clear headed

I will not get drawn into a downward spiral full of emotion. it really is way to easy to.

I had a moment of brain fog and posted on a friends (ex-roomie)live journal I just stated the facts but it was motivated by emotion and I suppose I invaded a space that she never thought i would go or didn't want me to go

for this I am not only sorry but sad that now that we wont see each other that avenue is also closed to me as a form of communication.

a bit of history- we seem to have broken something - I don't know what but something important
she has admitted to being depressed and doing unfathomable things because of it
although I cant accept that as a valid excuse

i agreed to care for what had become like our joint children (Snickers and Isis two very adorable loving and spunky ferrets) and I even paid for one of them and alot of the necessities for their care over the last year but agreed that they belonged to her because it was her idea initially.
their care fell to me because she had more pressing things on her mind and on her plate
now keep in mind I let them get completely unbearable before taking over poop patrol and playtime
she wasn't there she didn't see or smell it
but now she is angry at me for doing so

i fell in love. I wont deny it but on bad days them plus household duties plus my own other entanglements put the pressure on and I felt guilty when I coulden't keep up

but any who its all moot
I suppose I am just writing this because i just cant understand why after agreeing to take them, but still have her retain ownership she just up and OOP SELLS THE FERRETS

the whole kit and kaboodle. when I am not there to do anything about it

she did call and say I had to come and say good bye I am grateful for that

but I just don't get it
its not like she NEEDS the $ or anything

spite?

I can see no other reason

but maybe I am just so so so very very very sad right now I feel this giant hole that just keeps getting bigger and bigger first she cuts me out and now she yanks away one of the few joys that have sustained me through this last year

I know that I could never match the price that she will most likely get for them so i have no option but to say good bye
I am in morning right now
like everything I MUST grieve this loss, its a big one

I have no one to talk to and am completely alone right now
my dad has gone to Toronto

Jezabel(my cat) is being wonderful she knows what I need

don't know what I -'d do without her

have to focus on the future...

we went and picked out the flooring and tiles for the new floors in the condo,

- background - I own my own condo,kinda daddys name on mortgage.

we are going to spruce it up because the ferrets combined with crappy carpets to start and a couple of slobs living there it is a disaster.

the laminate is a beautiful light oak or something and the tiles are a browny bricky color they look so good together.

I am going to be lead on the demolition ( I don't think i can screw up yanking up the carpets).
I am really excited I wish my ex-rommie would speed up and get the hell out already I want to get started.
the guy from rona is supposed to call on Monday so he can come and do the measuring and give a proper estimate and then get started.

I am keeping my eyes peeled for a nice celtic patterned area rug for the living room or my bed room either one

saw one the other day for less then 100$ that my dad wants for his place it was deep blues and had oriental characters on it.
it was beautiful. but not exactly my cup of tea.

I have some major cleansing to do, there is heavy bad mo jo in the place right now

well at least I wont have to fret about ferret urine seeping into the corners and ruining the new flooring although it would have been a very small price to pay for all the joy they brought

ARG!!!!

*shaking it off shaking it off .. not going to cry not going to cry again NOT GONNA DO IT !!!!!

future
future future

ummmm...

oh yeah we are getting a new vanity and toilet for the little bathroom too
I have 'before' pictures but they are uploaded to my daDS mac so that will have to wait til I have some during or maybe after pics too and dads been fooling around with video stuff too maybe he will make a movie a you tube thingy or something and i will post it upo here. that would be neat
ok well my fingers are fumbling on the keys guess that means time for a break

blessed be,
in all I see,
a turn in rhyme
and sets of three,
blessed be
for you and me.

Tags: renovation, snickers&isis
Current Location: daddy's
Current Music: stevie nicks

I just went back and re-read the posts from last year and realized that i have forgotten to add to these posts my 'I am grateful for' addendum so here it goes I wish I had a good quippy quote to put here too but i am going to re-use one from before because it seems appropriate
It takes the sun to dry the rain
for all we do none is in vain.

Today I am grateful for...
~my purring fuzzball of a cat JEZABEL
~the smell of 'after-rain'
~the fact that it is not raining anymore
~the peace of early morning - even downtown
~the tech dude at best buy for knowing how to fix my i-pod
~the people in my life
~the prospects for the future
~cheep laminate flooring
~and finally today just plain and simply this moment right now and everything it holds everything it means this minute second in this instant of time RIGHT NOW!
Blessed Be
thank you universe

Current Mood: grateful

I wish I had more people to ask advice of
I feel better about my situation today and I still find it hard to believe that it was that easy to jump to conclusions about a loved and trusted friend well actually I didn't I spent a good 24 hours just saying over and over 'I can't believe it I can't believe it'
I received a note from her and it said exactly the right thing just what i wanted or needed to hear I prey its true
My father is skeptic as usual and even less trusting then me he insisted on 'precautionary measures' I hope they dont make her angry I really had nothing to do with them I was just in a complete fog prone to spontanious bouts of crying, yelling and wallowing, which I think I am over the worst of now
I hope
jeeze I look over this thing (my journal) and I look like a real puff piece
eccentric yes
but that isn't reflected here I like to think of myself as comedic-ly eccentric even a little wonky, crazy, unhinged. however you want to phrase it
A large part of my life something that brings me great joy is being able to put a smile on other peoples face especially at my own expense no no that doesn't sound right I mean if I can tell a joke or wear a funny hat or something of the sort and it brightens up someone else's day then I feel like a million bucks
I was hoping that this would reflect the better qualities of my psyche, my flowery but intellectual wisdom when writing, my esoteric sense of being or just the fact that i am not just another buggered up twenty something looking for a life path
the frivolity of emotional descent seems so bloody mediocre to me


thanks to fearie writer for adding me to your friends list i was just browsing around and found your journal and your first entry mirrored one of my philosophy's about life
- ask and the universe will provide
and I truly respect all writers (always been a dream of mine to be one)
and I had no idea that wellspring branched out so far I have heard many good things about it from a survivor who is close to me

Current Mood: thoughtful

Today is...
Today is...
is it really the first day of the rest of my life?
a new beginning or just a stop gap in a vicious circle that we call life
if you forget the past you are doomed to repeat it
i do believe this but I have also always believed that you must hope for the best and plan for the worst
today tells me that maybe i have not learned the life lessons that will improve my state of being
the same shit just seems to keep happening to me over and over
small differences but the same jist
and even though the people are different the fact that I must have a carpet with screw me over and shoot for the heart stamped on it tacked to my forehead seems to be apparent to everyone but me
I just cant believe it I really cant
once again i have been shiestered by someone i loved and trusted and they definatly aimed for the heart
maybe its the nature of drugs but this is the trird time that some one close to me has stolen my percocets and for me they are no less then a life line
is it my fault that I didnt set secure or clear boundries? or that if she had asked I wouldent have said no?
I dont know
what i do know is that this is the end of another chapter in my life it is very upsetting that these 'valuable life lessons" always seem to cost me the people i have nutured friendships with this one for 17 years
but i suppose it will have to be the last becausei have run out of people to let walk all over me
that must mean that Iwill have to start new relationships and be strong not wisy washy and unsure
or enter into new relations without getting attached so when they fuck me over I can walk away without too much pain
I really thought she was different oh well my bad.

the future holds many possibilities it will be great and I am forever grateful to all those people who have helped me along the way be it intentional or malicious

this last year has been a contineous incline in mood health and stamina evey thing in every way
I am ready to take on the world
BRING IT ON!!!!
I hope I will have the will to keep up with this for one thing it is an excellent tool and outlet even if no one reads it

Current Mood: apathetic

Today has been a very long day I have been up since 5 but I slept well and was just full o beans today I went out and made the circuit of the stores around my place
dad went and signed his new contract at our new home, 433 king st. a luxury condo building for upper class citezens
I know part of my energy is comming from the excitement of it all and the relief as well
there wasnt anything to worry about and yet I still did, but now its cemented
all I hav eto do is wait for a place in the building to become available for me
this may take longer then first antisipated
but I just know the perfect place will just miraculously appear and I M NOT really picky
the lower the better
but jez will have to become a indoor cat I dont think she will mind I am willing to give these meager trivial things up for all the wonderous things that will be there
its exciting
I am sure that I will be here until x-mas at the very least and everything here is great
until then
except that Is' shift at work (which is 3 blocks from the new building) ends at 12:45 the last bus here goes at 12:02 she is going to have to spend a fortune on cab fare and that sucks
I am not really looking forward to packing up and the whole stress of moving, changeing stuff over and all that but it will so be worth it
the week of holloween is going to be crazy for me whhooooeee
I am excited about mom coming from bc I hope to spend as much time with her as possible
then there is dad moving and I have a doctors appointment it just seems like alot I need to be cool and just go with the flow
bought a book mom recomended tday 'the expected one' by k. mcgowan gonna try to finish it before mom gets here so she can read it and maybe take it back with her
I want to get her something nice but I have to consoider she is visiting and all that maybe she can go to the mall with me when she is here I still need to spend the gift card she sent me for my b-day


not really feeling very esoteric or epiphiniftic (definately made that one up)
I want to figure out photo shop on this lap top so I can make it part of my entries, like today I did my nails and I am quite proud of them i put little jewles in the polish of a nice french manicure they look great and I want to put it with the entry

one more thing on my to do list

I made soup today it is quite delicious

been busy busy all day need to rest for a bit gonna read

ttfn

Thophamia ~ blessed be

Current Mood: satisfied

events occuring today could change my life drastically
dad goes on an interview for his new position today
on the weekend we went and checked out 2 possible buildings from the same company that were being offered
wow
2 complete opposites
one was so decreped and derelict not to mention smelly that my heart sank when I first saw it and then continud to sink lower and lower aS OUR LITTLE TOUR WENT ON
oh my oh my oh my
it was scary and terrible
the rents there go for around $650
I could go on forever about all the terrible things that just resounded with a clanging
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so i wont
but I
will tell you about the other building, I have a theroy that the company just asked dad to take a look at that one with no intention of giving it to him just to show him how bad it could be

the other one rents are just under $1000

and in londo that means LUXURY

its beautiful, it is about 4 blocks from the galleria mall which I
would pretty much consider the downtown core

but its quiet there, really isnt much around it, on one side is nature then some abandoned stuff then the train trax but there are far enough away that you baely hear them even outside
and the other side is residential houses -urban suberbia

here is a sign if I ever had one ~ there is an office on the groud floor its an independant living center for people copeing with dissabiity

HA!!!!
kinda muphed that there arent any ground floor apartments that means that my baby jez will have to become a house bound cat but
I think for all the other stuff she can deal with it plus the patio is humongus, so big its unbelieveable

there is enough room for my patio swing chair AND THEN SOME i THINK i COULD CREATE A MINI JUNGLE OUT THERE just for her its practcally the size of my current bedroom

the lobby is beautiful with black marble walls, with mirrors thAT MAKE IT BEAUTIFULLY BRIGHT and nice funiture, plants, real ones not plastic

the appartments themselves are just fabulous maybe the same sq ft as my current condo but the layout is good and the bed roms are more similar in size then here and iz wont lose her walk in closet

I will lose my half bath AND FOR A PIDDLEY LITTLE crap main bath I will really really miss my bathroom here it took alot to refinish it and I made it for me in particular its kind of my baby

however I am sure I can deal
especially since there is a common whirl pool off of the sauna and gym facilties which are exqusite its beautiful and hell maybe I can actually meet people instead of hermitizing myself in my bathroom for hours each day

they have a giant common 'area' its got all the ammenities there was lazyboys and book shelves with good books on them and fridge stove micro all that stuff and there was even set up in the middle of the room but not in the way at all a quilting loom and its all surrounded by picture windiows floor to celing with a patio and great view

the tenents are or seem to be mostly young professnals the guy mentioned a professer at western and we met a salesman in the elevator and even the lady who uses the loom is just receently rertired


oh I am in love, and this truly is the next step up
from TO we decided
- lodon on jalna
- london upper middle class masonville
- to king street and what I do believe to be upperclass luxury condominimums

I dont want to get to excited to be let down but I dont believe there is much room for error verthong already seems to have fallen into place and today is simply a formallity


I dont want to eave here I think it may just be the firsat place to ever trly hold the signifigance of 'home' for me and me alone yu knoow? its no owned by my grandmother and its not habitated by my father

we decided to rent it out so at least we will still own it th rent will cover the cost and then hopefully any overflow beyond the mortgsage insurance and maintenence (abut$100) depending, will go to susidize my rent because $1000 is just a smidge more then ive really got

but dad will be making double cash in hand so I am reay not worried and iz promised to stay 1 year s I will be just fine until my b-day next year that in it self if a most wonderful and glorious feeling way down deep in side and i just permiates the air aound me
I really do ave a song in my heart and head as ell as on my lips today

I slept well last night to which is nice I would still besleeping right now but iz is fighting a cold and her breathing/snoring is reverberating throuh the walls ;)

thats another bonus its only 3 blocks from her wrk which is more wonderful then Ican say because her new shift at work ends at 12:45 in the am so its really quick and well lt jaunt home for her

and no cab/bus fare will give her oodles of moola more a month

Current Mood: accomplished

When we fail to move forward are we simply staNDING STILL REFUSING TO MOVE OR IS IT JUST THAT the world seems to be moving so fast we cant grasp ahold and catch up

so many people are happy in their misery
is it fear that holds them back
fear of the unknown
better to stay put and be miserable knowing that you will be miserable then to take a chance on the unknown

the future seems so unsure
just felt like I had finally found a foot hold and then the universe throws a wrench in the works and sends my sences reeling and my footing becomes wary and unsubstantial

I am so proud of my home
and it is finally a home not a house or appartment or place i live it is my home

with all the acqutrments that make a home a home and Dad gets let go from his position that afforded me the ability to feel at home right next door to him being independent and yet not alone
the comfort afforeded to me having him as a saftey net is irreplaceable and it made this situation seem almost perfect
now I dont know where I will be in 2 months and if it could even be close to this comfortable

I am so much better in every sence then I was a few months ago and yet I am scared

Iz was very quick to jump to say that its no trouble for her to go back to TO
but everything is so much better because of her being here I dont want her to have to go anywhere but I dont want her to feel attached either I want her to find her way and I pray that I will never get in the way of that

I dont nessessarily depend on her but my life is greater for her being here she has made all the difference in the world

there are so many prospects on the horizon right now

I can find qualms with all of them and have trouble seeing the positivity i this situation

I want the best for everyone but I fear that my best hopes are not copesaetic with the hopes and dreams of those around me

what do I give up ?

I have felt recently that I have given up alot for others without much apprecisation

I know you cant help those who dont want to be helped and you shouldent try

so I am trying to live up to that because I know that that is what will make a difference to me and how I feel act and react

but for instance
I felt guilty for wanting something that was mine anyway just because it made someone else happy

but having it for my own made me happy and fulfilled a need I had

why do I feel so guilty for using it anyway

when my need if fulfilled I will give it back and hopefully it will make her just as happy then ???

I dont know I guess
I a just turbulently turmoiled with unsuccinct thoughts - in other words confused

I like writing it does help

any who its late and I am ging to watch grease on tv

Today was good I made turkey soup from the carcass from our yummy meal and got quite a bit done, made a hat, finished a book, cleaned, and watched some tv but I was up and dressed thats good

the sun was beautiful today I hope it stays warm

any who tomorrow I havent got any major plans but I hope to get up AND GET dressed at the very least

Theophamia

Current Mood: confused

I dont even know what to write
I am partially writing this with the hopes that Iz will read it and with the hope that maybe I will feel better for having voiced it almost out loud
I knew this would happen I knew I couldent do it
I knew I would screw it up
really I am suprized i have been this cool headed this long but tday was bad. and though not to blame I took meds that are fucking with my head and mood
I shouldent have gone about ittheway I did I am terribly ashamed and angry at myself for blowing up at Iz
It just really hurts mew when she makes my baby(jez) the bad guy every time and her baby Marshal cant do anything wrong when at the very least they are both to be blamed
I feel sick and my brain is extreamly incoherent so I cant even say what I want to say maybe when my head clears I can express myself

Current Mood: crappy